Jiralhanae
The Brutes '''also known as the retarded cunt monkeys, were a race of obese dumbass apeshit rhino aliens/assholes/total fucking assholes/bill clinton/barack obama that were discovered by an expedition of space turkeys, whom the Brutes promptly killed with their bare hands and ate as a Thanksgiving feast. The testicle ballchinians, impressed, began abducting the Brutes with '''rape vans until they had an entire butt-fuck army. The Brutes first served the Covenant as construction workers, equipped with frailguns and spammers. There were many famous Brutes, most of whom died sooner or later from aids. Basically, Brutes are big walking shitheads with guns and legs (since if they don't have legs how would they be gay). They are frequently known to throw down their guns and charge at you because they are horny and have an over active sex drive, but MC just doesn't seem to be gay so he just kills them before they can reach him. Brutes are known to huff Grunts in their spare time, a practice which most frown upon for the obvious mental retardation effects as the Gruntiness begins to take effect. Brutes enjoy this effect. They have been known to castrate innocent Grunts just for the fact that they like the taste, and then hanging the "leftovers" on their crotches. Not much of a trophy, but bigger that what they have. Brute society is heavily fixated around large, phallic objects, especially dildos. Brutes also tend to attach knives to everything they own, from Spikers, to hammers, to bottles, to knives, to knifes, to children's dolls,to condoms. Brutes are prone to throwing stick-like grenades aimed directly at the target. This shows that brutes are too retarded to realize grenades arc downwards. Should the player's testicles be incinerated from this, one must then teabag the brute as they drool a cool saliva upon the thought of cooked testicles. The reason Brutes are so attached to grunts is because they are the only specied in the covenant that could not outrun the Brutes other than the prophets themselves,and are the only species with smaller d*cks than brutes, and that are slow enough that the brutes can catch, and rape them indefinitely. But in reality, the Brutes themselves are all pawns in the grunts' plan to have complete control of the Covenant. So the grunts put up with castration, physical and mental abuse, molestation, and having to talk to brutes about their feelings. (Cause they are reely just sensitive queers with to much free time and will go to hell where satan will admister a case of the explovise shits.) Famous Brutes *Jiralhanaeus - The first Brute God created on planet Balsac. Jiralhanaeus unoriginally named the species after himself. *Smelly crapus *Phoenix Wright *Chuck Norrus *Fetusaurus *Captain Obvious *Captain Serious (Obvious' Cousin) *Captain Amazing (Obvious's grandad) *Armadaeus Moz Art(us) *TartarSauce *Real TartarSauce (rumor has it he had sex with miranda keyes before activating the index *Mac and Cheese(the uncle of TartarSauce) *Denzel Washingtus *Brett Favreus *Ronald mcdonaldus *Cracktanus *Gargantuous *Optimus Prime *Leonidus - This. Is. JILRAHANAEA!!!!! *Tyrannosaurus *Hairy Meatballs *Spikerus *Maulerus *Chewbacca's Evil Twin *Nostradamus *Doofus *ToysRus *Bigfootus *George Bushus (or Dubya as he is also known) *MUSCULUS! - His only weakness is Halopedia and bending his arms. *Paris Hiltonus *Bastardus *Britney Spearsus *John Mccainus *Jabba the Hutt (honorary obese Brute) *Buffy the Vampire Slayerus *Gwunka - the first of the enormously great infamous Grunt Brutes. Me> *Pedo Brute *Some perverted sack full of wookiee hair *Your Mother(us) *Pissing Brute who pees on walls and grunts *Big cheif strong testicles *OBAMA( For Allaha!) *You *Bob Hopeus *What the fuckus *Holy shitus *Yo slutty girlfreindus *Justin Beiberus *Noobus *Dr.Philus *Banhammerus *Osamus Bin Analden (one of the most homicidal Brutes of ALL TIME) *Steve Jobus *Fuck you i wanna go to toysrus *United States of Americus *Terrorus *Bombus (terrorus's brother) *Usarmyus (Bombus and Terrorus's enemy) *LEEROI JENKINUS * Mohammedus * Jeezus * Spartacus (first spartan brute) * Neophytus * Pimpus * Oprahus (Dr. Philus' wife) * Spartan Laserus * Wenus * gangsterus * don't touch meus (germophobe) * Elitesarebetterthanus * Suckmydickus * Bill Clintonus * Usususususususususususususususususususususususususususususususus (parents were possesed by Paris Hilton) * Adolf Shitlerus * Joseph Starvinus * Biggie Smallsus (Ironically Tupacus's best friend) * George Lopezus * Small Penus (Penus's younger brother) * Big Penus (Small Penus and Penus's older brother) * Gigantasaurus Neverappearus (responsible for discovering the Drinol species, he named them after himself) * Kobe Bryantus * LeBron Jamesus (above's enemy) * Eminemus * Ronald Reaganus * Gluteus Maximus * Anus (above's cousin) * Shutupanddrivetehbus (a very bossy Brute) * Tyrone the Crackheadus * Barack Hussein Obamus (oh-bomb-us, hmmm....conspiracy theory anyone?) * Cassius Marcellus (other Brutes call him "Muhammad Ali" for short) * Joseph Ducreus (one of the Brutes back in the old days) *Samus Fucker *Thor's Hammer Up Yo Ass *Bob *Grunt Lover *Kelus (her milkshake brings all the brute males to the yard...) *Iprefer Fall Outlasvaygus (Heretic) *Iget Allthebitchus *Uncle Ruckus (An Actor, known for his role in The Boondocks) *Bringdamuthaphuckinruckus (HUGE Wu-Tang Clan Fan) *Your mom *WoW n00b Ranks Highest to Lowest * Head Chieftain of The Self-Raping Association * War Chieftain * Brute Chieftain - Weapon * Brute Captain Ultra * Brute Captain Major * Brute Captain * Brute Bodyguard * Brute Jump pack * Brute Stalker * Brute Ultra * Brute Major * Brute Minor * PINGAS Monkey Third Class * Top Scientist of Sex * Grunt Molesterer *Truth's Sex Mate *Seeker of Elite Grunt Boobs *Fat Ass N00B *Elite Raper *Barney Lover *Truth's Rape Pet History The early history of the Brutes is long and pathetic. They evolved on some planet (duh). For some reason, they evolved from apes, like humans. Only they stopped a little bit short of humanity. They formed a massive army in 643 B.T. (Before TartarSauce) and swept across their home-world's landscape, pillaging and castrating all other creatures. They eventually fell upon a large supply of shiny armor and guns, which they had a lot of trouble figuring out what to do with a first, but eventually got it right (By that time it was 3 D.T. Tartar Sauce). Then, the Covenant found them and took them in, thinking it would be a good idea to befriend them (Ohhh, lucky them). The Tartar Sauce managed to convince the Prophets to replace the Elites with the Brutes, since Brutes worked for $0.40 an hour. This turned out to be the biggest mistake ever made in recorded history, and the Elites joined forces with the humans and wiped out the Covenant. Since then, Brute sightings have dropped to nil, probably because of the sheer embarrassment of being responsible for destroying the Covenant. It is a little known fact that Brutes reproductive organs shrink when humiliated, it is an extremely shameful thing for any Brute, and they usually neglect from reproductive rituals because of it (or for other reasons). Long Term Life Goals All of the brutes goal in life is to fatten everybody in the planet. Brute scientists invented a machine that injects special serums into special cookies. Upon eating the cookie the victim begins swelling and gains 500lbs. This fat is highly developed and cannot be burned off. Strangely enough it strengthens the heart muscles to pump blood more so the victim does not die from a heart attack past 30. When word spread of this. The U.N.S.C. quickly came up with a serum so that humans could be immune to the brute serum. The brutes however being so stupid have already have a few select accidentally intake their serum. However in the brute world fat is pR0nZ and is looked upon highly. Oddly enough however the serum was made so the victim would enjoy their new size. Hell, Al Yankovic wrote a fucking song about it. An unintended sideeffect of Brute serum was excessive hair growth. The formula is now used in Bosley hair restoration treatments. Yo mom >>>> The Great Brute Holocaust of 2009-2010 The Evil Masterminds decided during the development of Halo: Reach that they would start a Brute holocaust. How did they do this? They made a really shitty character design of the brutes, made them look even uglier and stupider than they did in Halo 2 (for n00bs who havent played Halo 2, they just looked like gorillas). The brutes did not appreciate their nooby design, so they went all emo and killed themselves, leaving suicide notes saying, "I wasn't pretty enough..." So far as of October 29, 2010 only 7023 brutes have killed themselves over this. Bungie is sitting in their evil lair laughing at this as we speak, and I may be getting executed just for telling you all this, if I do, tell my wife, I love her...﻿ and that baby she had wasn't mine. ﻿ Category:Douchebags Category:Idiots Category:Assholes Category:Things that suck Category:Things that go bump in the night